In the complex tapestry of professional relationships, ruptures are inevitable. 

The key to fostering growth, resilience, and durable partnership lies in the art of repair. 

Yet, most people don’t know how to repair a relationship once it has been broken. 

It is the willingness to repair these fractures that ultimately determines the strength and success of the business partnerships involved.

Relationship repair is a technical skill

After growing up in a conflict-avoidant household, I was afraid of conflict initially.

When I learned that there was a research-based approach to conflict done well I became obsessed.

I literally flew to a small island outside of Seattle to visit and study with Dr John Gottman. 

As self self-described “relationship nerd”, he has studied conflict and relationship repair more than anyone. 

There is a methodology for repair done well. It even has been proven to work cross-culturally. 

I flew to his lab to learn it so you don’t have to. After I learned this methodology I came to view repair as a technical skill.

Here’s the process:

Repair Pre-Work

A) Declare that you WANT to repair

This acknowledgment requires vulnerability. 

It labels the reality that there has been a damaging incident. 

It makes clear you want to reconnect and rebuild what has been lost.

Find out - does the other party want to repair as well? 

It takes two to tango.

B) Set some ground rules

In this conversation, both parties must:

• Assume each other’s reality has validity
• Understand each other’s perception of the situation
• Not dictate their version of the “facts”

If you get this far, you are ready to attempt a repair. Here’s the 5-step Gottman repair process that I’ve adapted to business:

Step 1: Describe How You Feel

Take turns sharing how you felt about the incident.  

Don’t hold anything back, but don’t say why you felt that way (yet).

 When listening, avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings

Feeling Prompts:

Step 2: Share Your Reality

Describe your reality of the situation. Then have your partner share theirs and don’t interrupt. 

Summarize and validate shared understanding of each other’s reality.  

DO NOT move forward until both parties feel their reality has been understood by the other.

Step 3: Share Your Triggers

Triggers are memories or experiences that might’ve escalated the situation. 

We all have historical triggers that can make something feel bigger than what actually happened. 

You don’t have to explain the entire history of your trigger. But acknowledging you have some sensitivity due to your past is useful.

Take turns and have each person do the following: 

Share triggers involved in the incident.

Explain at whatever level feels comfortable why those memories are triggers.

Understand why the other side is triggered by those memories.

Common triggers include:

Step 4: Accept Responsibility

Acknowledge your contribution to the situation.

Share how you set yourself up for the conflict.

Identify what you regret and apologize if necessary.

Here are some prompts related to accepting responsibility that can be helpful during this step:

Step 5: Build A Plan

Take turns sharing one thing your partner can do to make the discussion better in the future. 

When you are sharing, remain calm and when you are listening, be agreeable and understanding. 

Then, identify what each of you needs to put this behind you and move on. 

Repairing business relationships is not simply about resolving conflicts; it is also an opportunity for growth and learning. 

"Repair is not just about going back to how things were, but rather creating a path towards growth and improvement."  - Esther Perel